Let's Get Physical

So that was uneventful.

I got to the doctors' office at 8:45 yesterday morning for my 9:00 a.m. physical, and the door was locked. After paperwork and waiting, I finally got to see my new PCP a little after 9:30. I proceded to bore him to tears, I suspect.

My family history, as far as I know, consists primarily of my father and his father dying of heart attacks - a concern, true enough, but they were both smokers (my grandfather had quit by the time I was born, I think, but I'm sure some damage had been done; my father was a pack-a-day kind of guy, and I was never quiet about my disdain for his habit).

On the other hand, I've never directly smoked anything in my life (not out of experimentation, peer pressure, or anything else). I say "directly", because living in a house with smoking parents and having spent countless nights at various bars watching bands play before smoking bans were instituted couldn't have been too healthy. My doctor says that smoking can increase the rate of artery build-up of something or other as much as four times, so I figure I'm doing OK as far as all that goes. Plus, I go to the gym regularly, so I feel like my heart's in pretty good shape.

Any pains? Nope. Allergic to any medications? Not as far as I know, and I can't even remember the last time I was prescribed anything (it would have been by a pediatrician, it's been so long). Regular headaches? Nope. Drug use? Not a single bit. "Exposure" at a work environment? Only to papercuts and co-workers, for whom there was (sadly) no cure.

Nope, no, uh-uh, never, no.

I could stand to lose a few pounds, I said ("but who couldn't"), but I explained that I'm 25-30 lbs. lighter than I was at my worst period, in the couple of years right after college. I also asked him to check a strange little bump on the back of my head that I've had forever (it causes no pain and doesn't bleed, but I don't like the way it looks if I shave my head), but he said he didn't think it looked worrisome.

Then they took some blood and urine, the doctor checked my man-parts, and a nurse gave me a cardio electrograph or electrogram or something or other. They put a bunch of little pads on my chest and something started printing on the machine. It hardly seemed scientific, but what do I know. It, like my blood pressure, was "totally normal."

The only thing the doctor recommended was to undergo a "Cardiac Calcium Scoring" test, based on my family history and - believe it or not - the folds on my ear lobes. How researchers figure these things out is beyond me. Ear folds? Seriously?

So fine, I guess I have that to look forward to.

Just a few minutes ago, my bloodwork results came back and I got a call from one of the nurses, who said that my results were "absolutely normal". I saved the voice mail, so Nicole can hear it directly if she wants to, in the hopes that it'll put her mind at ease a bit. She's been (justifiably) on me to have a check-up, given how long it's been since my last physical.

So the bottom line is this: I may not be as cool as Lemmy Kilmeister (and, frankly, never will be), but I could beat him in a footrace. I'm as strong as an ox, but not quite as good looking. And given my current physicial condition, I should be around for a good long time so long as I keep up my good habits.

Which probably means I'll be killed by lightning this weekend.

It's been nice knowing everyone!