Clearly I haven't gotten the hang of "posting regularly". Ahem.
As I've been basking in unemployment (by choice!) since the move to New Jersey, I've watched quite a few movies. In the absence of not having much interesting personal material to go through, here are some quick reviews. Please understand that my opinions are absolutely correct, and if you disagree with me, YOU are the one who's wrong. :)
"The Hills Have Eyes 2" (1985):
This is a movie that really needs no review. I DVRed this off of cable, as the programming guide said it was the sequel to the new one, but it wasn't. Oh, boy, it really, really wasn't. Not that I'd have been expecting too much from that one either, but anyway ... I taped it, so I watched it. This is ridiculous filmmaking, and there's nothing remotely scary about it. How do we approach ranking what's more ridiculous in this movie? "Cannibals" running around in the desert? A blind "heroine" (who allegedly has ESP or some other half-thought out mental powers) escaping imminent death from said cannibals (who look like the Berserker from the late 1980s WWF, minus the Viking helmet. And minus Mr. Fuji.)?
Oh, no. Those aren't even close.
Let's put it this way, there's a flashback scene ... from a dog. Yes, that's correct - the dog has a flashback scene.
This movie is virtually unwatchable. I watched it for you, so now you don't have to. Merry Christmas, and you're welcome.
"Fantastic Four 2: Rise of the Silver Surfer" (2007):
What's worse than choosing to watch this horrible movie? Having to watch it on a cross-country flight, because even if you're not interested in watching it, your eyes sort of flutter up to the screen. And what's worse than that? Having to watch it again a week later on another flight.
Just because Jessica Alba is ridiculously hot doesn't mean this movie needed to be made.
Poor Brian Posehn, who shouldn't have to take crappy bit roles in films like this just to stay active. He had a bit role in the infinitely better "The Devil's Rejects", which I would rather watch in a room full of nuns than watch F4-2 again. BAD MOVIE.
"The Devil's Rejects" (2005):
While I'm on the subject of Brian Posehn (see above), he's in this. Not for long, though. Based on that, I'm sure you can figure out that something bad happens to him.
But the movie itself ... see, if Quentin Tarantino's terrible and almost unwatchable "Death Proof" had been replaced in "Grindhouse" by a slightly shortened version of "The Devil's Rejects" ... man, that would have been a great movie! This film is a dusty, sweaty, uncomfortably claustrophobic terror that harkens back to something that would have been made in the late 1970s (and the expertly chosen classic southern rock soundtrack completely adds to that experience). It's not easy to watch, and though the characters are comical in the extreme sociopathic manners, the way the story unfolds (and the way it's told) left me unable to turn the movie off - and trust me, plenty of people will want to. It's not for everyone - not even close. But if you "get" Rob Zombie and can deal with blood (lots and lots of it), you should give this a shot. I wouldn't call this a horror movie, per se, and it's definitely not "torture porn", but it's a rough one. Still, better than FF2 and worth a rental if you're feeling adventurous and have a strong stomach.
"Hostel" (2005):
Ahh, now here's a bit of actual "torture porn"! I caught this one, again, thanks to the wonders of DVR. I'm glad I missed it in the theater. This is not a terrible movie - I'll save that distinction for Eli Roth's first "movie", "Cabin Fever", which is actually beyond terrible. If "Cabin Fever" was a giant, steaming piece of shit (and it was), "Hostel" is a day old cat turd properly deposited in the cat box. It's still poop, but significantly more attractive poop (comparitively, at least).
The story itself goes nowhere for the first 45 minutes or so, and the more likeable and sympathetic of the main characters is offed (drills through the shoulders, other bad stuff) instead of the guy I kinda wanted to get hacked up, but whatever. If you say "Halloween", the name "Laurie Strode" comes to mind. Say "Scream", and you might even remember "Sidney Prescott". Say "Hostel", and all you'll ever say is "that dude from 'Hostel'". You tell me what that means.
Once we find out what's going on, there's a realization that maybe there could be an actual movie in there somewhere, but given that freakin' ELI ROTH is directing, all hope is lost. I want to make an Uwe Boll joke, but I'm tired.
So yeah, bad movie, though very, VERY gory. Still, it was better than "Cabin Fever".
"Saw II" (2005):
See above. Better than it's predecessor, to be sure, but this movie didn't really need to be made. I'm admittedly a late-comer to the "Saw" franchise (I finally saw the first one only a few months ago), but to me this movie (and others like it) are made only because a group of people got together and said "what's the grossest way we can kill someone onscreen, and we'll write a script around it". There's no suspense, and you know everyone's going to die, so why bother watching it? Come to think of it, why did I bother watching it? I knew the first one was really bad and COMPLETELY OVERRATED BY TEENS WHO WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT A GOOD HORROR MOVIE IS IF IT BIT THEM ON THEIR ASSES, YET THEY SPEND THEIR PARENTS' HARD EARNED MONEY GOING TO SEE THIS GARBAGE, WHICH ONLY ENCOURAGES THE STUDIOS TO FUND MORE UNNECESSARY SEQUELS.
Sorry, was I yelling there? Movies like this are made for people who shop for their "nice clothes" at Hot Topic. Like I said, I watched it anyway. My bad. I have nobody to blame but myself.
The acting is horrible, but rather than blame any of the actors, I'll give them the benefit of the doubt that their performances were "hommages" to the first "Saw", in which Cary Elwes gives one of the absolute worst performances by an actor whose work I was previously familiar with. Seriously, he might just as well have been reading from pages of the script on-camera.
This whole thing is ridiculous. If you like these movies, you're wrong. Sorry. You just are.
"Rescue Dawn" (2007):
Hey, and actual, honest-to-gosh real movie for grown-ups with taste! Christian Bale is his usual awesome self as a pilot shot down 40 minutes into his first flight over Vietnam. Taken prisoner, he's held with 4 others (including Steve Zahn, who only overacts a little bit) until they plot their escape. I had no idea this was based on actual events and on a real pilot, which makes the story that much better. If you like war movies, you'll enjoy this. If you like Christian Bale movies, you'll probably enjoy this. If you like movies starring incredibly emaciated leads who don't wear shirts and highlight their rib cages through their skin, you'll LOVE this movie. Definitely worth a rental.
"Rocky Balboa" (2006):
I'm absolutely stunned that I'm writing these words: This is a very, very good movie (perhaps the second best in the series, after the first one), and I highly recommend it to anyone with a passing interest in this story arc. It's the most "human" movie in the Rocky series since the first, and Sylvester Stallone apparently still has some heart left in him, as he wrote and directed this film (as he did with the first movie). I had relatively low expectations and was unprepared for liking this as much as I did. Good job, Sylvester. If this is how Rocky goes out, he'll be going out in style. Now shelf the Rambo thing and we can all be happy! It's a Christmas miracle!
"Clerks 2" (2006):
Surprisingly good, but not to be watched with your parents - trust me. There's a thing with a donkey, and more of Jay Mewes than one would ever want to see. However, this is worth watching for the Star Wars vs. Lord of the Rings debate alone.
Some people don't like Kevin Smith movies. I do think that he tries too hard on occasion, but more often than not, I find myself laughing at this dialogue. If I lived in his verbose world, though, I'd probably walk around doing the "hurry it up" signal with my hands all day. But whatever brings Randall and Dante back once in a while is fine by me.
***
OK, so apparently I'll watch any crap gore movie that comes my way. So here's my surprise: my favorite movies of 2007 (excepting "No Country For Old Men", which I haven't seen yet) actually features one "gore" movie: "28 Weeks Later" (#4 on my list, as I recall). My three favorites of the year, though, were "Ratatouille", Danny Boyle's "Sunshine", and "Children of Men".
Special bonus points awarded to (and then taken away from) Clive Owen, who starred in both "Children of Men" (one of my favorites of the year) and "Shoot 'Em Up", the first film I actually walked out of in I don't even know how long. Stay away from "Shoot 'Em Up". It's horrible. Rent the criminally overlooked "Inside Man" instead, and you'll be much happier (seriously, it's a fantastic, intelligent crime drama that more people should know about).
Worst two films of 2007 then would be "Shoot 'Em Up" and "Fantastic Four 2", I guess.
Discuss amongst yourselves.
